Thursday, February 21, 2008

Making the Connection

Yesterday I had coffee and wine, ruining the eleven days of keeping my commitment to not do either.

I have also been eating a lot of cheese. But no meat. Cheese on whole wheat bread is a food that seems good to me, and so it's easy to miss that it is not.

My blood sugars have been perfect. So it was easy to rationalize that, in fact, I broke my word to myself not to do these things for one month.

Anyway- beginning again...

Continuing with this a couple of days later-

I can definitely see how I turn to eating crap whenever I have a high degree of conflict with a particular close friend. It is like (to paraphrase Ekhardt Tolle) I have a pain body that wants to maintain itself. Whenever I go into victim mode, eating is a way to nourish the pain body and to return to the familiar place of poor blood sugar- to build up my ego through a negative identity as a diabetic and also through the drama of not keeping my word to myself.

Of course- I am also paying very close attention to the things that are triggers for my pain body. MY trigger is feeling that I am being judged. I am not being loved unconditionally. And I have to be even more right about what I am saying- I have to criticize and judge and be rigid about being right. That is my ego protecting itself- defining itself- making itself superior. Then seeing myself as something less than radiant and wise, I go straight into feeding the pain body.

Making some slow progress perhaps- if awareness really is progress...